Your child is screaming, crying and following you around. Your spouse is convinced that they are power struggling again and that being strict and firm will end the frequent behaviors. You see your child red-faced and upset and wonder if they truly are even able to control how they are acting. Your spouse wants you to punish the child, but when you do it seems to make the behavior worse. How can you tell what is really going on?

I often counsel parents to identify if the behaviors are a tantrum or  a meltdown. Tantrums include behaviors that are designed to get a preferred result. Meltdowns happen when a child is emotionally overwhelmed and does not have coping skills to manage strong feelings.

What to look for: 

Signs of a tantrum

-Can occur across a variety of situations and requests

-feels like your child is jockeying for control

-your child is trying to get a preferred outcome

-behavior resolves very shortly after the preferred result is achieved.

What to do?

Tips for resolving power struggles

1. Increase parent-child bonding
2. Give your child some autonomy ex. Choosing which chore to do first
3. Clearly communicate rules and expectations
4. Consistently enforce rules and boundaries- do not give in to power struggles. 

Meltdowns;

-Your child has outbursts that embarrass them

-Your child expresses shame after outbursts 

-your child’s outbursts cause them negative consequences

-your child appears to be unable to calm down and feelings do not resolve quickly. 

How to respond: 

– Help your child identify their feeling states

-catch your child when they first begin to escalate and suggest a calming activity

-provide your child with coping skills and practice using the skills when your child is calm. 

-do not ask questions, yell, or educate while the child is still upset.

-connect with your child when they are calm and talk about what happened.  

When to get professional help. 

If you’ve tried working with the tips above to no avail, that is your sign that professional help is needed. Children who struggle with frequent meltdowns generally benefit from therapy that supports them with identifying and coping with strong feelings. Parent coaching and therapy can also support parents with how and when to enforce boundaries and increase bonding for children who frequently tantrum.