Key Takeaways:

• Worrying is a normal part of parenting
• It is important to distinguish if your worries are becoming so pervasive that they are getting in your way as a parent
• Tips and tricks for getting through your anxious parenting moments.

Ok. I’ll admit it. This is a topic that I do struggle with on my own parenting journey. I am a worrier. I know too much about all of the complexities and complications of the human mind and the pitfalls of growing up, and sometimes, I ruminate about my own child. Oh yes, you heard that right, I ruminate. So when a parent sits down with me and shares the myriad of topics that they are currently worrying about concerning their child, I understand this on a visceral level. Trust me, I get it- I come from a long line of worriers! 

We worry about the normal parts of growing up: early development, the first day of school, self-esteem, body image, social issues, and grades. We also worry about things that feel really scary: out-of-control behaviors, a child managing a high-conflict divorce, addiction to screens or substances,  and the list goes on and on.  Sometimes our worries are extreme- Will my child need to be hospitalized?  If my child cannot get their behaviors undercontrol will they wind up in jail? Will they drop out of school? Will they be able to take care of themselves? 

We also worry about ourselves. Am I a good parent? Am I messing up my kids? Am I getting them the right support? What if I am not cut out for this? 

It is so natural and normal to worry about the most important people in our lives. And yet, we must admit that the worries can sometimes take on a life of their own in ways that can have a negative impact on ourselves and our children. It is important to distinguish whether our worries are everyday worries that help us guide our children better, or if they become pervasive fears that hijack our nervous system and create panic. If you find your heart racing, your mind cycling through worries constantly, or constant catastrophizing about the future, it may be a good time to look at how these worries impact not just you, but your child. 

How do our worries get in the way of parenting?

• If our child notices our worries, it can communicate to them that they are not safe, or that they need to worry too. Research has shown that anxiety runs in families, and some of our children are predisposed to feeling anxious. However, our behaviors can support any child who is predisposed to anxiety with relating to anxiety in a healthy way.

• Sometimes we get so lost in the future that we are not able to be present with the child in front of us. We begin nagging out of fear or sharing our worries out loud with our child. 

• Because we worry about safety, we become too protective and get in the way of their development. Kids need to experience life at an age-appropriate level of challenge. If they are not given these opportunities, they struggle as adults to feel confident in themselves and cope with life’s difficulties.

The good news is: Children are incredibly resilient, strong, and capable beings! I have witnessed firsthand the power of seeking additional support for your child and watching them overcome life’s biggest hurdles.

What To Do When You Notice Worry Taking Over

I know from experience that I sometimes falsely believe that worrying will prevent bad things from happening. When my nervous system is on high alert I feel like, if I stop worrying, something bad will happen. While our worries are designed to help us avoid bad outcomes, we must take their messages of warning and not stay stuck in fear. Below are a few helpful tips when you notice yourself worrying. 

• Come back to the present moment-it is often far less scary than the catastrophic future you might be imagining. Whenever I notice rumination in myself, I use it as an opportunity to come back to the present moment using the grounding meditation at the end of the article.

• Focus on your child’s strengths. Remind yourself that your child possesses many tools and good qualities already that will support them going forward

• Focus on what you can control- While you cannot control all of the calamities of life that might befall your child, you CAN control how you respond to it. Redirect your worries about external events towards practical things that you can do to support your child now.

• Reflect on areas where you might need to relinquish control. Do you tend to try to save the day when your child is struggling? Do you hesitate to give them more responsibility or challenge? While no parent wants to watch their child struggling, we can gently support them with experiencing their struggles without trying to take the struggles away. These moments in childhood will help your child be ready to manage the big things that come their way as adults. So if your child is struggling with something at school, maybe you can ask them if they have any ideas and offer some suggestions. If your child is crying or sad, you can sit with them in their emotions- this will help them tolerate the ups and downs of life. 

• Model healthy ways of coping with anxiety. When you notice yourself getting anxious, you can take a pause and do something calming for yourself. If your child notices that you are anxious, you can say out loud, “Wow, I just got really worried. We all feel worried sometimes. I know the worry will pass, and in the meantime, I can do something kind for myself to help me feel calm.”

• Seek professional support to manage your worries. I cannot stress this enough: Your child will benefit immensely from having a parent who is resourced and supported. Many parents feel like their child’s mental health comes first. While, yes this is true, parents are a HUGE part of supporting a struggling child. And if you are struggling yourself, it is really hard to provide them with the in-home support they need. The more you feel supported, the better a parent you will be. It is truly a win-win. 

• Seek professional parent coaching or support for your child in crisis: Book a consult. 

And for parents that are in the thick of difficulty with their children, I want to send you so much support and empathy. One of the hardest things to do is stay grounded in the present and show up fully as a parent when you are dealing with what feels like a crisis. For those of you in a current crisis, I want you to hear these words from Jim Wallis, “Hope is believing in spite of the evidence, and watching the evidence change.”

Resources:

Grounding Mindfulness Activity to Manage Worries

When you find yourself ruminating about an imagined future outcome, see if you can connect to feeling your feet on the floor and your breath.

Without trying to change the worry or the mental image, see if you can call on a trusted supporter to join you as you hold the difficult images, thoughts, or feelings. See if you can really feel this person’s gentle support, sitting by your side. Be present, simply observing it just for a few moments

Now, in your mind’s eye, see if you can imagine your worry as though it were on a tv screen. Notice the image safely contained in the edges of the TV screen. 

Now imagine your supporter slowly rolling the tv further and further away. Experience the image fading slowly into the background.

And now that you have some distance from this mental image, see if you can recall a positive memory of you and your child. 

In your mind’s eye, take a look at your child. Notice their face, their hands, really taking them in and noticing all of the wonderful things that make your child unique. Spend this moment with your child, taking them in, just as they are.

Reflect on a time your child showed a strength. Did they navigate a difficult friendship challenge or tolerate stress in a way that surprised you? Maybe it was their first time riding a bike, or their first day at school. It could be anything ranging from small to large. 

Really take in the feelings of pride and marvel at your child’s wonderful strengths. And take in your trusted supporter holding you and your child in strength. 

See if you can spend a few moments here breathing in the support and strength before returning to the present moment. 

Links:

Breaking the Cycle: How Parental Anxiety Affects Children and What You Can Do 

The Hidden Impact of Anxiety on Parenting: Recognizing and Addressing It 

How to avoid passing anxiety onto your kids

Worries we rarely say out loud.

Books:

The AnxiousGeneration by Jonathan Haidt https://bookshop.org/p/books/the-anxious-generation-how-the-great-rewiring-of-childhood-is-causing-an-epidemic-of-mental-illness-jonathan-haidt/e7dfa59b478f9574?ean=9780593655030&bkshp-astro=t

Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents by Lynn Lyons