You’ve just had your worst parenting moment. You yelled and flew off the handle at your child. Maybe you stomped and screamed, broke something or threw something. You might have said something incredibly mean to your child. You did all of the things you have been diligently trying to teach your children not to do. And now then the shame sets in. Even though you have been working hard to shift your family’s patterns you feel right back at square one. 

I’m here to tell you: don’t panic. If it helps at all, even the parenting experts with decades of experience still lose it from time to time with their kids. Why? Because we are all human beings, with the same hard wiring to respond to overwhelm and external threats. Losing it a few times, does not negate the work you have been doing to change things at home. A note: if you find yourself losing it on the daily, that is a sign that you are overwhelmed and need additional supports for yourself.)

Here’s the silver lining: If we showed up as a perfect parent at all times, our child would not learn how to face intricacies and difficulties in interpersonal relationships. Your meltdown actually is an opportunity for your child to learn something incredibly valuable:how to repair in a relationship when you have caused harm.

So what do you do next?

1. Give yourself self compassion. If you are feeling a lot of shame, and being hard on yourself- this means you need a minute to regroup. Shame gets in the way of connection.
2. Talk to your child and take accountability: describe what happened and emphasize that you were frustrated but you did not handle it well. You can say, “Yelling and screaming and throwing probably was not a good way to handle my feelings.”
3. Apologize sincerely.
4. Reconnect.  Listen to your child’s feelings about what happened and spend time together doing something they enjoy. 

That’s it. It’s really that simple. When you do these things, your child also will learn how to take accountability and apologize when they have caused harm.